My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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