got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
