So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
