Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
