Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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