It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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