I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
