I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
