he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
