Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Dicks are not precious.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
