dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
