she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
