Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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