Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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