just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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