haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
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He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
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My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".