You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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