I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
