So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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