When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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