Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
