Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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