stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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