non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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