the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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