I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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