I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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