Your face is a jimmy john
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
