you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
