my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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