My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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