he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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