Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
