Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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