i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
