I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
