I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
