I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It's never too late to be topless.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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