so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
