Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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