I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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