Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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