Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
