I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
