I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
