He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
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i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
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Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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