I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
