Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
