What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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