if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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