He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
