I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
