I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
