My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
