I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
