so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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