I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
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I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
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Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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