If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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