Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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